My Heart, My Saving Grace

To say the last few years have been a long crazy rollercoaster ride would be an understatement. The steep final drop coming this past fall when I lost a job, that despite the long hours and continuous problems, I loved and the end of a life changing relationship. Through all of this there has been one consistent bright light in my life, my daughter, Madelynn.

The life, the society that I grew up in trained us from an early age to strive for the white picket fence dream.  The majority of those around me had goals, ambitions. They knew leaving highschool what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. College, finding love and starting a family.  It didn't work that way for me as much as I dreamed every day that it would. I had/have goals and ambitions, I wanted so badly to find my passion for a career right out of highschool but it wasn't to be. I tried to make the best decisions for my life at the time and because they weren't what was expected they weren't supported. I saw moving to California as an escape from the brick walls I felt being built around me.  California didn't work out the way I thought it would, although at the same time I don't know how exactly I expected it to pan out. I know in my mind and my heart that what I have overcome in my life has been monumental, that a lot of people wouldn't have fought their way through and come out where I am now. However because of my drive for perfection, I don't feel as if I have achieved very much. I never intended on staying in California for the rest of my life, but I always thought that when it came time to leave it would be on my own terms.  Now I feel that I am being forced to return, and that to me comes across as failure. I know though that as a mom I have a duty to put Madelynn first and do what is best for her, and moving home is what is best for her even if its something I can't completely swallow.

I doubt many single 24 year olds plan on getting pregnant, but things happen. I went against her "father's" wishes of getting an abortion and from that moment took on the role of a single parent. I suffered the looks, the judgement of many for getting pregnant outside of marriage but I firmly believe that God sent her to me for a reason.  I have always struggled w/ depression and with that sucidal thoughts.  I can say w/ confidence that there have been several moments in the last five years that Madelynn has been the only thing that has kept me going.  My childhood has left me craving love, and affection, because of which I have put way too much importance on men, and even just friendships.

Madelynn for me is now that love and affection. She is a smart and vibrant little girl.  Most importantly, she is Happy, Affectionate and Loving.  Her smiling face every morning guarantees me a great start to any day. There is nothing I love more then her excitement when I pick her up from school.  On lazy days at home reading or coloring, nothing warms my heart more then her randomly telling me she loves me. I have always been motivated, hardworking and ambitious, but nothing has ever inspired me more to be the best I can be then Madelynn does. I want to make sure that the love, affection, trust and admiration she has for me now as a little girl never faulters or fades as she grows up into a woman herself.

My Final Paper: Compulsory Military and National Service paper

A Compulsory Military

and National Service program

The media outlets in this country are flooded daily with

reports on the country’s budget, cuts to the military, and the news of youth

across the country killing, stealing, bullying and committing suicide. Lists of the top ten cities that are theleast happy places to live, articles on the cities that have the largest

unemployment rates, what jobs have a future, and what jobs have the most

unemployed, can be found on our internet homepages almost daily. One can only

fathom what can be done to correct all of these things, much less all of these

things being improved by one program. If

the United States created a program of compulsory military and national service

the cost of military operations and other programs would be decreased, the

unity among the country’s citizens would be increased and the youth of this

country would learn invaluable life lessons.

The government is looking for quick ways

to decrease the spending of this country. The

financial struggles this country is experiencing shows that new ways need to be

discussed and implemented to close the gap.

The

budget for the Department of Defense is on the chopping block in a big way,

some say that these cuts will endanger the national security of the country as

well as our ability to continue to be the dominant fighting force in the

world. This country is only safe as long

as potential enemies know what we are capable of in a military aspect. Many

top officials are concerned that we would become unprepared to handle a

traumatic event similar to the concerns and manpower issues that we had with

September eleventh. The decrease in

funding eliminates weapons systems, and research for future technologies; along

with a reduction in manpower. By

creating a national mandatory service program, the manpower concerns would be

reduced if not eliminated. It could also

help to eliminate the costs that the branches incur for recruiting

purposes. With the mandatory service, recruiting

would not be necessary, and many of those that once thought the military wasn’t

for them could find that it is in fact something they enjoy and decide to

continue service past the allotted time.

In our current military, some members sign a four year contract and find

within the first year or so, the military is not for them. These members could

become less productive in their jobs because of this dislike yet the government

is still paying and housing them. This

two year service would eliminate that extra two years of expense for someone

that is not as productive due to wanting out as someone who wants to be there. It

would essentially make our long standing military more effective because only

those that truly want to serve would stay past the two year mandatory mark. There

are also many opportunities for volunteers to work in non-combat or

non-military roles within the Department of Defense, these positions being

filled by volunteers would eliminate some of the payroll and contracting

expenses.

Numerous programs across the country, especially those that

are non-profit organizations are strapped for cash, yet need to use much needed

funds to pay employees to keep the programs running. Many companies that are floundering in this

economy could use a boost that volunteerism would give them. It is not only an opportunity for the company

to get much needed assistance, and manpower that allows them to provide better

customer service; it is also an opportunity for the volunteer to acquire some

hands on experience that would look great on a resume when entering the work

force after their time in service. Those

volunteers with a broad degree or maybe without any idea as to what career path

they want to choose could experience several different jobs and walks of life

during their service time that would help them to decide where they believe

they will fit in life. Many could be surprised as to what they are drawn too

and been given the opportunity or experience that they would have otherwise

never had.

There are services across this country that need to be done

and are being neglected because of money.

By creating a national and military service program these projects could

get done for less money, and with positive effects on the people of this

country. Volunteerism in this country is

slowly becoming more popular, especially in these hard economic times. People

want to be involved and give back and they want to feel useful while job

hunting. That energy needs to be

encouraged, embraced and used to this country’s advantage. The organization “Volunteering in America”

conducted a study in 2010 that showed that the number of volunteer hours

increased from the previous year (DeBlasio). This shows that people are

volunteering more often and for longer hours. According to the Bureau of Labor

Statistics the age range that is least likely to volunteer is those in their

early twenties. A program like this one could increase those numbers. By

properly creating such programs we ensure the success of future generations by

providing or creating things that otherwise might be neglected and discarded;

at the same time we would be setting the example for what they need to do for

this country as they get older.

In today’s society the unity of

this country is struggling to stay alive. The creation of a compulsory military

and national service program would unite the people of this country. “Never has the U.S public been so separate,

so removed, so isolated from the people it pays to protect it” (Thompson, 35). After the last decade of being at war the

country has lost its enchantment with the military. This is in large part because 99% of the

country’s population has no connection to the battles its military are

fighting. It is that remaining one percent and their children that are

continuing to protect this country. Since September eleventh, 2.4 million

troops have fought in Afghanistan and Iraq, exactly one percent of the 240

million Americans over the age of eighteen (Thompson, 35). They return from war

torn countries, having completed their service to find a country that is as

strange to them as the third world one they just left.

." There is a wide ravine opening

between the military and the civilian populations, and that separation could

have serious repercussions down the line. Bill Gates when still the Secretary of

Defense addressed this dangerous divide in a speech at West Point. He said “Getting

this relationship on sound footing is so important because a civil-military

divide can expose itself in an ugly way, especially during a protracted and

frustrating war effort” (Thompson, 37).

In this country’s history have been

major moments where morale and patriotism were at an all-time high. Military enlistment was booming and there was

pride in serving this country. Today

enlistment in the military is viewed by some civilians as a last resort, or

something that one does when they have no hope for any other type of success. However,

by many measures the U.S. Military is better than its civilian counterparts,

and the military brags about that, making it part of its recruiting pitch. According to a Pentagon recruiting report “Today’s

military is more educated and has a higher aptitude then the general population”

(Thompson, 36). US Rep Charlie Rangel said in 2010: "What troubles me most about

the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is the total indifference to the suffering and

loss of life among our brave young soldiers on the battlefield. The reason is

that so few families have a stake in the war which is being fought by other people's

children"(Schilling). The separation

of our troops and this nation’s people needs to be stopped, the gap needs to be

closed and every American citizen needs to invest in this country.

Compulsory military service may be something of

the past in most of Europe, and a lot of countries are currently in the process

of getting rid of these programs, however they already have a long standing

tradition of honor in service that the United States has never developed. Their civilian support of the military and

the natural progression of military service in their young peoples’ lives is

already instilled in the people of its country, it may not need encouragement

or rules to keep it there. In an article about mandatory service in the Israel

Defense Forces one of the pros to this type of service was this “The IDF is an army of all of Israel.

By necessity and design, it is ISRAEL. Each family of this tiny country

surrounded by enemies has a son, a daughter, a father or grandfather, a brother

or uncle, a niece or a granddaughter who serves, thus creating an extended

network”. This is what our military should be; this is what service to the

United States should be. Some may argue that Israel’s continuous conflict with

Palestinians makes theirs a unique situation. However, the United States is

constantly on alert for its enemies that are everywhere in the world, we too

are “surrounded by enemies”. It could be said that Israel has created a culture

of war which is not present in the United States so this thought process does

not apply. But for some, for the

children of the one percent serving in the U.S Military, especially those under

the age of fifteen, we have created a culture of war. The belief that the U.S does not have a

culture of war shows the lack of unity in this country, that it is not

recognized that many of this nation’s children have grown up in the last decade

with the U.S being at war. The point of using Israel as an example of compulsory

service is because of the unity they are showing, their history of war is not

relevant, it is how they handle conflicts by self-sacrifice and willingness to

represent their country that we need to take away from it. Ari

Brussel, the author of this article goes on to say

“As long as the burden is

not felt and shared by all Americans, as long as we neither understand nor

appreciate the sacrifices of our young men and women, they should not be in

Iraq and Afghanistan. Every fallen soldier, a precious life extinguished, is

wasted if most Americans assign little if any price for the sacrifice made.

Americans on the front lines overseas are willing to give their lives to uphold

all that we take for granted so that others, their fellow Americans, can

continue their daily lives. A day will come and by necessity we will return to

these hostile faraway lands, but then the burden will be shared more equally by

all, not only by some.”

The military families of this country do not want to feel as

if the life of their loved one, which was given for the country, was in vain or

underappreciated

A national service program would unify

this country because it would force everyone to be physically and mentally

invested in its future and success. Too many people are self-centered, only

concerned with looking out for themselves.

This damages the bond that we have as Americans. This country’s citizens

need to take a bigger interest in this country’s and the world’s affairs. If more

people are serving the country they are going to care about the future and who

is running it, it could mean an increase in voters. Another benefit to

this program is that those in charge of this country, the President, congress men

and women, senators, and government officials will all have family, friends and

children serving. This would play a

factor in how quickly this country would get involved in other countries

conflicts if in doing so they are sending their own children into face the

battle. With no personal attachment the

consequences of their quick to fight decision making does not impact them

personally, or encourage them to look for other alternatives.

There are a lot of questions about the future of this country

and if the younger generations will be able to successfully succeed the

previous generations. The quality of

education is slowly diminishing, the costs of higher education rising therefore

discouraging many to continue on. Society’s

pressures are decreasing values and morals amongst the younger generations. Some adults today even question whether they

should have children because they do not want to subject them to what they

perceive to be the future of this country.

A national and military compulsory service program could be the saving

grace of future generations. Instill an attitude of fixing problems

not just complaining about them until someone else fixes them. So many in this country leave everything up to

a small number of people and that is not just from a political standpoint. Many are quick to complain but slow to

act. We need to develop a can do

attitude in this country. If something needs

to be fixed or a program created, why not just do it, rather than complain

about it and wait for others to get around to doing it. We need to help ourselves, especially in this

tough economic time for the world, because no one else is going too. If we

exalt this country’s freedoms to our children but do not show them by example

that we cherish them and need to protect them, how well will they be valued by

generations that assume they will always be there?

This program could be the motivation that our youth need to

excel in their schoolwork. If one based

their job and placement in the program off of High School grades, it would once

again give a strong purpose to achieving that diploma for those not planning on

attending college. By working hard and committing themselves to getting the

best grades possible the person can place higher and receive a better position. The training required by the military program

would instill discipline as well as create health standards and regulations, an

asset to fighting one of this country’s current battles that is obesity. Yes many will argue that this takes away some

of American’s basic rights, as it does with all military members in signing a

military contract, but perhaps that is just what some of the youth, who feel so

automatically entitled as is, need. In serving multiple years in the programs,

opportunities and experiences will be made available to them that otherwise

would not be possible. Things such as

world travel, knowledge of other cultures, learning new languages, self-

defense education, and first hand experiences that would show them how great

they have it as a citizen of the United States.

Many people could find that they want to stay in the position they are

in, or that the career they thought they wanted isn’t for them. Those not previously open to serving in the

military could wind up making a career out of it. An entire generation would

have gone through similar experiences and gained an appreciation for this

country, a bond that they will all share, and pass on to their children as they

proceed through the programs. For those continuing on to college, they will

serve their time upon completion of their degree. This would work well for those that are

unable to find jobs due to lack of experience, a stumbling block that many

college graduates face in today’s job market, and at the same time they are

providing their country with much needed service. Those that graduate college

can apply for leadership positions within the program.

Many

could compare this to the draft, and what issues it caused for the men and

their families that were called to serve their county. The hope of this program would be to

eliminate the need for a draft because at any given time you would have a

larger volunteer force then we have today. In the event that more troops were still

needed, the prior training and experience of those already out of the program

would be beneficial and allow the military to reinforce its current troops

quickly because they would not need the extensive training. It would also be beneficial in that more

American’s would be willing to come back into the military after serving their

two years, because of the unity that the program created within this nation. Now of course we must honor the liberal side

of this democratic

A Compulsory Military

and National Service program

The media outlets in this country are flooded daily with

reports on the country’s budget, cuts to the military, and the news of youth

across the country killing, stealing, bullying and committing suicide. Lists of the top ten cities that are the

least happy places to live, articles on the cities that have the largest

unemployment rates, what jobs have a future, and what jobs have the most

unemployed, can be found on our internet homepages almost daily. One can only

fathom what can be done to correct all of these things, much less all of these

things being improved by one program. If

the United States created a program of compulsory military and national service

the cost of military operations and other programs would be decreased, the

unity among the country’s citizens would be increased and the youth of this

country would learn invaluable life lessons.

The government is looking for quick ways

to decrease the spending of this country. The

financial struggles this country is experiencing shows that new ways need to be

discussed and implemented to close the gap.

The

budget for the Department of Defense is on the chopping block in a big way,

some say that these cuts will endanger the national security of the country as

well as our ability to continue to be the dominant fighting force in the

world. This country is only safe as long

as potential enemies know what we are capable of in a military aspect. Many

top officials are concerned that we would become unprepared to handle a

traumatic event similar to the concerns and manpower issues that we had with

September eleventh. The decrease in

funding eliminates weapons systems, and research for future technologies; along

with a reduction in manpower. By

creating a national mandatory service program, the manpower concerns would be

reduced if not eliminated. It could also

help to eliminate the costs that the branches incur for recruiting

purposes. With the mandatory service, recruiting

would not be necessary, and many of those that once thought the military wasn’t

for them could find that it is in fact something they enjoy and decide to

continue service past the allotted time.

In our current military, some members sign a four year contract and find

within the first year or so, the military is not for them. These members could

become less productive in their jobs because of this dislike yet the government

is still paying and housing them. This

two year service would eliminate that extra two years of expense for someone

that is not as productive due to wanting out as someone who wants to be there. It

would essentially make our long standing military more effective because only

those that truly want to serve would stay past the two year mandatory mark. There

are also many opportunities for volunteers to work in non-combat or

non-military roles within the Department of Defense, these positions being

filled by volunteers would eliminate some of the payroll and contracting

expenses.

Numerous programs across the country, especially those that

are non-profit organizations are strapped for cash, yet need to use much needed

funds to pay employees to keep the programs running. Many companies that are floundering in this

economy could use a boost that volunteerism would give them. It is not only an opportunity for the company

to get much needed assistance, and manpower that allows them to provide better

customer service; it is also an opportunity for the volunteer to acquire some

hands on experience that would look great on a resume when entering the work

force after their time in service. Those

volunteers with a broad degree or maybe without any idea as to what career path

they want to choose could experience several different jobs and walks of life

during their service time that would help them to decide where they believe

they will fit in life. Many could be surprised as to what they are drawn too

and been given the opportunity or experience that they would have otherwise

never had.

There are services across this country that need to be done

and are being neglected because of money.

By creating a national and military service program these projects could

get done for less money, and with positive effects on the people of this

country. Volunteerism in this country is

slowly becoming more popular, especially in these hard economic times. People

want to be involved and give back and they want to feel useful while job

hunting. That energy needs to be

encouraged, embraced and used to this country’s advantage. The organization “Volunteering in America”

conducted a study in 2010 that showed that the number of volunteer hours

increased from the previous year (DeBlasio). This shows that people are

volunteering more often and for longer hours. According to the Bureau of Labor

Statistics the age range that is least likely to volunteer is those in their

early twenties. A program like this one could increase those numbers. By

properly creating such programs we ensure the success of future generations by

providing or creating things that otherwise might be neglected and discarded;

at the same time we would be setting the example for what they need to do for

this country as they get older.

In today’s society the unity of

this country is struggling to stay alive. The creation of a compulsory military

and national service program would unite the people of this country. “Never has the U.S public been so separate,

so removed, so isolated from the people it pays to protect it” (Thompson, 35). After the last decade of being at war the

country has lost its enchantment with the military. This is in large part because 99% of the

country’s population has no connection to the battles its military are

fighting. It is that remaining one percent and their children that are

continuing to protect this country. Since September eleventh, 2.4 million

troops have fought in Afghanistan and Iraq, exactly one percent of the 240

million Americans over the age of eighteen (Thompson, 35). They return from war

torn countries, having completed their service to find a country that is as

strange to them as the third world one they just left.

." There is a wide ravine opening

between the military and the civilian populations, and that separation could

have serious repercussions down the line. Bill Gates when still the Secretary of

Defense addressed this dangerous divide in a speech at West Point. He said “Getting

this relationship on sound footing is so important because a civil-military

divide can expose itself in an ugly way, especially during a protracted and

frustrating war effort” (Thompson, 37).

In this country’s history have been

major moments where morale and patriotism were at an all-time high. Military enlistment was booming and there was

pride in serving this country. Today

enlistment in the military is viewed by some civilians as a last resort, or

something that one does when they have no hope for any other type of success. However,

by many measures the U.S. Military is better than its civilian counterparts,

and the military brags about that, making it part of its recruiting pitch. According to a Pentagon recruiting report “Today’s

military is more educated and has a higher aptitude then the general population”

(Thompson, 36). US Rep Charlie Rangel said in 2010: "What troubles me most about

the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is the total indifference to the suffering and

loss of life among our brave young soldiers on the battlefield. The reason is

that so few families have a stake in the war which is being fought by other people's

children"(Schilling). The separation

of our troops and this nation’s people needs to be stopped, the gap needs to be

closed and every American citizen needs to invest in this country.

Compulsory military service may be something of

the past in most of Europe, and a lot of countries are currently in the process

of getting rid of these programs, however they already have a long standing

tradition of honor in service that the United States has never developed. Their civilian support of the military and

the natural progression of military service in their young peoples’ lives is

already instilled in the people of its country, it may not need encouragement

or rules to keep it there. In an article about mandatory service in the Israel

Defense Forces one of the pros to this type of service was this “The IDF is an army of all of Israel.

By necessity and design, it is ISRAEL. Each family of this tiny country

surrounded by enemies has a son, a daughter, a father or grandfather, a brother

or uncle, a niece or a granddaughter who serves, thus creating an extended

network”. This is what our military should be; this is what service to the

United States should be. Some may argue that Israel’s continuous conflict with

Palestinians makes theirs a unique situation. However, the United States is

constantly on alert for its enemies that are everywhere in the world, we too

are “surrounded by enemies”. It could be said that Israel has created a culture

of war which is not present in the United States so this thought process does

not apply. But for some, for the

children of the one percent serving in the U.S Military, especially those under

the age of fifteen, we have created a culture of war. The belief that the U.S does not have a

culture of war shows the lack of unity in this country, that it is not

recognized that many of this nation’s children have grown up in the last decade

with the U.S being at war. The point of using Israel as an example of compulsory

service is because of the unity they are showing, their history of war is not

relevant, it is how they handle conflicts by self-sacrifice and willingness to

represent their country that we need to take away from it. Ari

Brussel, the author of this article goes on to say

“As long as the burden is

not felt and shared by all Americans, as long as we neither understand nor

appreciate the sacrifices of our young men and women, they should not be in

Iraq and Afghanistan. Every fallen soldier, a precious life extinguished, is

wasted if most Americans assign little if any price for the sacrifice made.

Americans on the front lines overseas are willing to give their lives to uphold

all that we take for granted so that others, their fellow Americans, can

continue their daily lives. A day will come and by necessity we will return to

these hostile faraway lands, but then the burden will be shared more equally by

all, not only by some.”

The military families of this country do not want to feel as

if the life of their loved one, which was given for the country, was in vain or

underappreciated

A national service program would unify

this country because it would force everyone to be physically and mentally

invested in its future and success. Too many people are self-centered, only

concerned with looking out for themselves.

This damages the bond that we have as Americans. This country’s citizens

need to take a bigger interest in this country’s and the world’s affairs. If more

people are serving the country they are going to care about the future and who

is running it, it could mean an increase in voters. Another benefit to

this program is that those in charge of this country, the President, congress men

and women, senators, and government officials will all have family, friends and

children serving. This would play a

factor in how quickly this country would get involved in other countries

conflicts if in doing so they are sending their own children into face the

battle. With no personal attachment the

consequences of their quick to fight decision making does not impact them

personally, or encourage them to look for other alternatives.

There are a lot of questions about the future of this country

and if the younger generations will be able to successfully succeed the

previous generations. The quality of

education is slowly diminishing, the costs of higher education rising therefore

discouraging many to continue on. Society’s

pressures are decreasing values and morals amongst the younger generations. Some adults today even question whether they

should have children because they do not want to subject them to what they

perceive to be the future of this country.

A national and military compulsory service program could be the saving

grace of future generations. Instill an attitude of fixing problems

not just complaining about them until someone else fixes them. So many in this country leave everything up to

a small number of people and that is not just from a political standpoint. Many are quick to complain but slow to

act. We need to develop a can do

attitude in this country. If something needs

to be fixed or a program created, why not just do it, rather than complain

about it and wait for others to get around to doing it. We need to help ourselves, especially in this

tough economic time for the world, because no one else is going too. If we

exalt this country’s freedoms to our children but do not show them by example

that we cherish them and need to protect them, how well will they be valued by

generations that assume they will always be there?

This program could be the motivation that our youth need to

excel in their schoolwork. If one based

their job and placement in the program off of High School grades, it would once

again give a strong purpose to achieving that diploma for those not planning on

attending college. By working hard and committing themselves to getting the

best grades possible the person can place higher and receive a better position. The training required by the military program

would instill discipline as well as create health standards and regulations, an

asset to fighting one of this country’s current battles that is obesity. Yes many will argue that this takes away some

of American’s basic rights, as it does with all military members in signing a

military contract, but perhaps that is just what some of the youth, who feel so

automatically entitled as is, need. In serving multiple years in the programs,

opportunities and experiences will be made available to them that otherwise

would not be possible. Things such as

world travel, knowledge of other cultures, learning new languages, self-

defense education, and first hand experiences that would show them how great

they have it as a citizen of the United States.

Many people could find that they want to stay in the position they are

in, or that the career they thought they wanted isn’t for them. Those not previously open to serving in the

military could wind up making a career out of it. An entire generation would

have gone through similar experiences and gained an appreciation for this

country, a bond that they will all share, and pass on to their children as they

proceed through the programs. For those continuing on to college, they will

serve their time upon completion of their degree. This would work well for those that are

unable to find jobs due to lack of experience, a stumbling block that many

college graduates face in today’s job market, and at the same time they are

providing their country with much needed service. Those that graduate college

can apply for leadership positions within the program.

Many

could compare this to the draft, and what issues it caused for the men and

their families that were called to serve their county. The hope of this program would be to

eliminate the need for a draft because at any given time you would have a

larger volunteer force then we have today. In the event that more troops were still

needed, the prior training and experience of those already out of the program

would be beneficial and allow the military to reinforce its current troops

quickly because they would not need the extensive training. It would also be beneficial in that more

American’s would be willing to come back into the military after serving their

two years, because of the unity that the program created within this nation. Now of course we must honor the liberal side

of this democratic

country, and have an option for those that do not want to

give two years of service whether it be military or civilian. Those that choose not to give to this country

will not be given anything in return.

Things such as Medicare, federal guarantees and assistance, welfare,

social security, a person would no longer qualify for. If by a predetermined age a person changes

their mind and wants to do their two years’ service then, if a job can be found

for them, they would be allowed to serve their two years and receive federal

assistance from there on out.

Creating a program like this, that can serve the country in

peacetime through volunteer efforts as well as keep this country’s reputation

as the premiere fighting force in the world without the immense overhead, can

be a win, win situation for all if it is executed properly. Much like with war however, the benefits and

successes of such a program would probably not be seen in our lifetime, but

that should not be a deterrent for creating the program. The Founding Fathers

of this country could not have imagined what their ground work did for this

country today, or if they did they certainly knew that they would not see the

fruits of their labor. However, they knew that they owed it to the future of

this country to do so, because this country is bigger than one man or twenty

men. Self-sacrifice, dedication and the

love of this country has long served it well from the Revolutionary war, the

Constitution, the abolishment of slavery, World War II to the War on Terror; it

is because of the self-sacrifice of few in this country that we are great. Imagine what a few years of self-sacrifice by

every citizen would do for this country in the decades and centuries to

come.

 

Listen to me Damn it!!!

In the chaos of the last two days in my life, I've felt a myriad of emotions, and a wide range of thoughts, and learned a lot. Two such things that I've learned are the reasons I'm writing this post.

First, NO ONE listens to me. Dating all the way back to middle school years. My parents have never listened to me. They sent me to doctors and put me on medicine to 'control' me and 'my problems' rather then listening to their child and realizing that she was hurting. They put me on zoloft. Being on that medicine was a nightmare, your brain forced you to put on a smile and play the part of being ok, and on the inside you were in knots, you could feel the weight of it in the pit of your stomach. Like voices in my head, screaming that things were wrong but not being able to verbally tell anyone. I did tell someone, I told my mother how they made me feel. Those feelings were ignored. I took myself off those medications when I was 16, and had the crowning moment of my life when a few years later studies on zoloft came out showing that when given to children it could increase the thoughts of suicide etc etc. Duh!!!!!!!! I SAID THAT YEARS AGO!!!!! NO ONE LISTENED!!!!! Instead I got to cope at a young age w/ thoughts of killing myself.
Fast forward to spring of 2003. Conversation with my mother about why my behavior and performance at school were so horrible. I finally admit to her that I had been drugged and raped in January of that year. Her response, I was lying, she didn't take me seriously at all. That's always a nice slap in the face.
My family is completely disfunctional, a level of competition has been fostered in the relationships between my sisters and I that I wonder if it can ever be erased. It is a huge factor that stands in the way of having a great relationship with them, and I hate it. To talk about my parents would require a lot of alcohol, numerous hours of typing, gallons of tears, and more space then a blog could handle. I have tried from the bottom of my heart to help, to mediate, to comfort, to encourage and to give my impartial input. And no one listens. So now, I'm happy living 2000+ miles away and having limited communication. It really upsets me that that is the way things are in my family. I am so jealous of so many of my friends, my family's friends who despite any disagreements or what not have a loving, supporting relationship with everyone in their family. I feel like a homeless person that is peering through the frosted window at the cozy family inside experiencing a wonderful Christmas together or something similar.

Now lets move on to the present day or shall I say the past 11 months. Everything I've said, everything I've predicted has happened. I have asked for help from everyone that was supposed to provide it to Shawn and myself. I have exhausted resources and been greatly discouraged with the way the Marine Corps handles wounded Marines and their families. I have been screaming for help, I had an emotional breakdown in front of people that for sure could have helped, and we have gotten nothing. Shawn has asked for help and been turned down, was told to stop attending counseling so that they could make room for people they could help. He's been told he should have let them amputate his leg so he could get $50k for it. He has been mentally, and emotionally defeated by people's lazy approach to his treatment and future. I knew this would happen, I told doctors, I told people in the command. AND NO ONE LISTEN's TO ME!!!!!!!!!! I have lived thru a insane HELL the last 6 months specifically... something that could have been avoided or deescalated if someone would have listened to what I was saying and taken me seriously. Instead I get comments like "I needed Shawn to tell me" GUESS WHAT PEOPLE!!! SHAWN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE NEEDS, IF HE DID WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS PLACE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! SO MAYBE PEOPLE SHOULD START OPENING THEIR FUCKING EYES AND EARS TO THE FAMILY MEMBERS AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS THAT ARE AROUND THESE WOUNDED MARINES AND UNDERSTAND THAT THEY BETTER THEN ANYONE WOULD KNOW IF SOMETHING WAS FUCKING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think I make this shit up? That I just lay in bed at night thinking up outrageous stories to tell to get pity or attention? It is NEGLIGENCE on the part of every person we have come in contact with asking for help, asking for transfer to Wounded Warriors, asking for someone to speak with Shawn, cause I don't feel like ANYONE did ANYTHING they were supposed too. Maybe I'm wrong, but a place a large portion of blame on the people that are obligated to protect and help these Marines, for allowing my family to get to this point!

***This is not directed at the amazing women that I call my friends that have been there for me whenever I've needed it!!***

The second thing I've learned.... I'M HECKA SMART, know what I'm talking about and have definitely picked the right field of study to make a career in. I have been right in everything that I've said would happen in this 11 months. I knew that this is what it would come down to if things in our life weren't changed and improved. It was destined to be a self destructive path, and I forewarned people, but NO ONE LISTENED! Strange how someone who is going to become a PsyD and spend her life counseling military families and PTSD vets, might actually know something about this type of stuff and be able to give sound advice. On one hand it is a sigh of relief and a boost of encouragement that I am choosing the right career, and at the same time, if I knew all this why couldn't I stop it? Why wasn't I good enough to see the signs?

I've always given thoughtful, good advice, in my opinion. I am tired of not being heard, of not being taken seriously. People need to realize that I know what I am talking about when it comes to this stuff. Now more then ever I am determined to change things, make things happen so that this doesn't happen to someone else.

How much hurt can a human handle

To say the last ten months have been the hardest in my life to date, is probably an understatement. I didn't say the worst months because there have been good times, even great times together. But the daily fight that must occur in my life, and in this house is exhausting and never ending. After months of feeling nothing, now all I feel is pain. My heart has never hurt this much in my life, and it's not all because of those 'stereotypical' reasons. Yeah sure it's broken but not just because of love. I've disappointed myself this month in a way that I never thought possible. I have become a person that I've always despised in others, so now all I can do is despise myself.

Unless you could possibly understand the pressure of perfection I've always felt in my life, you can not possibly understand how truly devastated I am at this moment. I gave in once at the age of 16 and have never forgiven myself for it. I vowed to never do it again. All the uphill battles I have fought for myself, all the pain and hurt I've gone thru so that I can say at the end of it all that I stood up for myself, for what I wanted, not what others wanted of me. I've never backed down from taking the road less traveled, I've never taken the easy way out. It's all been wasted now, because I cracked. Months and months of tredding water, trying to stay afloat until this ocean of depression, stress, anger, and ptsd would finally allow me to reach the firm solid beach of recovery. And yet when I needed to keep the faith the most, when I only had to hold out a few moments or weeks longer, I gave up and drowned.

And yet just like in death, some people don't realize what they have or had until it's gone or threatened. So in my defeat there is perhaps a silver lining. I know that I will never lose faith again, I know that I will spend the rest of my life making up for this imperfection I have created, but I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself. I was human, I was weak, my pride in being above such things hit me hard and brought me down. Some may view this post as a bit extreme, but for me, it's always been about perfection, all or nothing. And that's exactly what I have... All that I've worked for is now Nothing.

Been Awhile

Well... guess I failed to follow thru with my plan to follow our Deployment journals from last year on here. Life happened and I got sidetracked, I also think that emotionally I wasn't ready to really relive it all. I was asked recently why I stopped blogging on here. My easy answer was that by the time my day is over and I've completed all the homework for my numerous online classes, my brain is fried and just wants to turn off. The more complex answer being that some of what I want to write people won't want to hear, and with where my life is at right now it would primarily be negative. I don't want to be that person, always negative. I lately feel as if the number of friends I had last year at this time was 10x what I have right now. I feel like because of everything we have gone thru in the last year, I'm always in a negative place or have some type of problem, and because of that, no one wants to be friends with me anymore. Right now there is only one person that I really feel comfortable calling and opening up too. I feel that I can't do that with others because they all have things going on in their lives.

Speaking of things going on in their lives.... That is another big dividing factor for me. I don't feel as if I belong anywhere. After everything I did last year, even after Shawn was injured, 3/5 has no use for me anymore since he won't be deploying w/ them next fall. LINKS has completely changed and I don't feel as if I belong there anymore. All of my 'friends' have things going on, their lives are changing and going places. Meanwhile Shawn and I get to sit here knowing nothing about our future. We are in limbo, floating around out here by ourselves while everyone else just keeps speeding on by in their busy lives. It makes me angry, sad and depressed. I just want the Marine Corps to step up and actually take care of their Wounded Marine. I can't help but think that maybe if his injuries had been worse, if he wasn't granted this miracle, we would have been taken care of better. But there's no middle ground when you're talking about 80 lbs of explosives. It was either complete malfunction and life or total detonation and death for him and many others. I hate seeing the lack of support he gets from his friends, family, the Marine Corps.
I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at the end of my thread and its fraying fast.

Reflecting, and Remembering - Part 1 of many

Many of my close friends know that Shawn and I keep individual journals when we are apart. Exchanging them is one of the first things we do when we are reunited. October this year is marked with heavy hearts as many of those closest to me prepare for the one year anniversaries of our 25 Darkhorse Angels. I've always said that one day I would make our journals into a book, but tonight when I came across Shawn's journal from last year, I felt the need to post some of his writings now.

*Names will be changed, and obviously I won't be posting everything, somethings are just for me ;) this ....... will mean that a part has been removed for privacy or OPSEC reasons this **** means someone's name left out

**There are numerous postings before this one, however this was his message for me today 1 year ago and the post that made me want to do this post.


5 Oct 2010

" We prepped our demo for when we go out tomorrow. I'm pretty excited to see these charges since they are ones we haven't used before. Ones 3/7 was saying work pretty well. ........ It should be EPIC!

We leave tomorrow to clear the *****. So if this is the last entry you know some bad shit went down. I love you and know that I took as many of those r**h**d f**ks with me as I could. I went out like a man and my only regret is not spending more time with you and Madelynn. Tell her that Daddy loves her and will always be watching over her! I love you. Always and Forever XOXOXO"




Just one example of how my, and many military family members, especially from 3/5, lives have changed. How many people in their mid-20s get to read their significant other's potential last letter to them? To read this and know what he was facing, to know his mindset and that even with this possibility in front of him, he was still going in there to mess them up. It's humbling, heartbreaking, and a swelling of pride all rolled into one. Humbling and heartbreaking because it wasn't my last note from him, but many others would have a final letter during this deployment. Pride because not everyone can be as selfless as a United States Marine, and I have one of those few good men.


Next journal entry 10/10/10 see you then.

a lil bit of the Truth in my head

My life is one huge roller coaster right now, and I just want to get off of it. I write this because I need release, and writing has always been a huge release for me. So don't look at this as me being negative or self-pity...it's just me expressing my feelings, you don't have to read it.

A "friend" told me the other day (in the middle of our moving fiasco) that he had no sympathy for Shawn, for me, for anything we are going thru. He said that Shawn chose this life and knew the possibilities of being a Marine and deploying. I don't argue that, and we aren't looking for pity or "oh poor you's" but to say that you aren't sympathetic to the mental, physical and emotional roller coaster we are now on, I just feel is really cold, especially from a "friend" of almost ten years now. It all started because he was upset that I didn't answer a text message from him, and he didn't seem to think that I should be too busy these days since Shawn was injured 7 weeks ago. Oh if only it would all be good to go in seven weeks, I wish!

Many don't understand how I could say that I miss the deployment. I wish that he was still deployed. I imagine for those who have had injured servicemembers they may understand or have thought the same thing. You see now I'm just in this limbo area... I am no longer w/ "my sisters" who all have deployed Marines, I'm off in my own world dealing w/ new emotions, new situations. He is no longer with his boys, fighting the fight, watching their back, doing his job. And anyone who knows a Marine can imagine how pissed off he is about that.

I want to go back to the nights alone on the couch w/ my BRAVO TV shows, or even Jersey Shore. I want to go back to waiting for that amazing phone call from him, or his letters in the mail. I had so much stuff to still send in care packages, not to mention the ones sent but never received. Most of all... I was supposed to get the anticipation of Homecoming, making banners, halfway home parties, the countdown on my laptop...and darn it... time to actually start my deployment diet. All of it, taken away w/ out any notice

Most of all... it would mean that he was ok. That he didn't have surgery, that we knew 100% he could walk, run and still be a grunt. That he wouldn't be dealing w/ all the personal stuff he is now, we would only have to worry about plain old, regular PTSD.

So now, when I read messages from friends missing their Marines, waiting for the phone call, counting the days down til they hit that parade deck, I envy them. They are so lucky to still be going thru that deployment. No one ever thinks they will wish for a deployment.

We don't fit in anymore, we just float around out here in limbo. Shawn's technically attached back to the Battalion but is on leave until he starts rehab, and once rehab starts who knows where he'll be "assigned". But until then he's not involved w/ anyone, not around any Marines, or guys who understand him. And the same goes w/ me, as much as the men depend on each other and need their guy time w/ beer to work thru their thoughts... us women need it too. We need girl time, we need to have women in the same situation to turn too... but I'm just out here in limbo. As we've been told in several different fashions...he's injured...just not injured enough. I'm sure we are not the first, nor the last to be left in the middle, in that gray area.

Sometimes I feel as if it would be better if he didn't have a home, a family here to take care of him. We wouldn't have had the 3 flights of stairs, or the fiasco of moving. He could be down w/ his 3/5 brothers in the Wounded Warrior Bn @ Balboa, able to talk to them, be w/ them, the guys who understand where he's been, what he's seen and what he is now going thru. I can never offer him those things.

I like to be a positive person, around positive people. I find myself lately, at least in thought, being mean, petty, bitter and cynical. I often think that I wish I could punch people in the face, and I certainly would love to make Afghanistan into a parking lot. I'm sure everyone has that feeling of punching someone in the face sometimes when they are just beyond annoyed, but lately w/ me it is out of control and I hate it.

My life has been sucked out of me. And knowing that it's only going to get harder before it gets better, makes me even angrier. I have very little patience anymore for people, especially the ignorant ones. The stupidest thing someone (besides the few girls closest to me thru all of this) could ask me right now is "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" because there is no explanation, no answer for how I am doing... I will reply saying "I'm ok" or "We're doing ok" but thats because they wouldn't understand the truth, nor would they probably really want to hear it. One of these days ... someone's going to ask... and it's all gonna come out. That should be entertaining. So now I'm just angry, and this is getting me no where, so I digress... maybe my next blog will be better, be more insightful or inspirational.....