My life is one huge roller coaster right now, and I just want to get off of it. I write this because I need release, and writing has always been a huge release for me. So don't look at this as me being negative or self-pity...it's just me expressing my feelings, you don't have to read it.
A "friend" told me the other day (in the middle of our moving fiasco) that he had no sympathy for Shawn, for me, for anything we are going thru. He said that Shawn chose this life and knew the possibilities of being a Marine and deploying. I don't argue that, and we aren't looking for pity or "oh poor you's" but to say that you aren't sympathetic to the mental, physical and emotional roller coaster we are now on, I just feel is really cold, especially from a "friend" of almost ten years now. It all started because he was upset that I didn't answer a text message from him, and he didn't seem to think that I should be too busy these days since Shawn was injured 7 weeks ago. Oh if only it would all be good to go in seven weeks, I wish!
Many don't understand how I could say that I miss the deployment. I wish that he was still deployed. I imagine for those who have had injured servicemembers they may understand or have thought the same thing. You see now I'm just in this limbo area... I am no longer w/ "my sisters" who all have deployed Marines, I'm off in my own world dealing w/ new emotions, new situations. He is no longer with his boys, fighting the fight, watching their back, doing his job. And anyone who knows a Marine can imagine how pissed off he is about that.
I want to go back to the nights alone on the couch w/ my BRAVO TV shows, or even Jersey Shore. I want to go back to waiting for that amazing phone call from him, or his letters in the mail. I had so much stuff to still send in care packages, not to mention the ones sent but never received. Most of all... I was supposed to get the anticipation of Homecoming, making banners, halfway home parties, the countdown on my laptop...and darn it... time to actually start my deployment diet. All of it, taken away w/ out any notice
Most of all... it would mean that he was ok. That he didn't have surgery, that we knew 100% he could walk, run and still be a grunt. That he wouldn't be dealing w/ all the personal stuff he is now, we would only have to worry about plain old, regular PTSD.
So now, when I read messages from friends missing their Marines, waiting for the phone call, counting the days down til they hit that parade deck, I envy them. They are so lucky to still be going thru that deployment. No one ever thinks they will wish for a deployment.
We don't fit in anymore, we just float around out here in limbo. Shawn's technically attached back to the Battalion but is on leave until he starts rehab, and once rehab starts who knows where he'll be "assigned". But until then he's not involved w/ anyone, not around any Marines, or guys who understand him. And the same goes w/ me, as much as the men depend on each other and need their guy time w/ beer to work thru their thoughts... us women need it too. We need girl time, we need to have women in the same situation to turn too... but I'm just out here in limbo. As we've been told in several different fashions...he's injured...just not injured enough. I'm sure we are not the first, nor the last to be left in the middle, in that gray area.
Sometimes I feel as if it would be better if he didn't have a home, a family here to take care of him. We wouldn't have had the 3 flights of stairs, or the fiasco of moving. He could be down w/ his 3/5 brothers in the Wounded Warrior Bn @ Balboa, able to talk to them, be w/ them, the guys who understand where he's been, what he's seen and what he is now going thru. I can never offer him those things.
I like to be a positive person, around positive people. I find myself lately, at least in thought, being mean, petty, bitter and cynical. I often think that I wish I could punch people in the face, and I certainly would love to make Afghanistan into a parking lot. I'm sure everyone has that feeling of punching someone in the face sometimes when they are just beyond annoyed, but lately w/ me it is out of control and I hate it.
My life has been sucked out of me. And knowing that it's only going to get harder before it gets better, makes me even angrier. I have very little patience anymore for people, especially the ignorant ones. The stupidest thing someone (besides the few girls closest to me thru all of this) could ask me right now is "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" because there is no explanation, no answer for how I am doing... I will reply saying "I'm ok" or "We're doing ok" but thats because they wouldn't understand the truth, nor would they probably really want to hear it. One of these days ... someone's going to ask... and it's all gonna come out. That should be entertaining. So now I'm just angry, and this is getting me no where, so I digress... maybe my next blog will be better, be more insightful or inspirational.....
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We are still here for you. Sometimes I think this part needs to be added to separation and deployment, that sometimes the reunion is harder because we feel like we no longer fit with those friends we were so close to when our husbands were deployed.
ReplyDeleteI know that it isn't any consolation but try to remember how much worse it could have been and something that always helps my mood when I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel is to make myself list 5 things every morning and every night that I am thankful for. Sometimes at the end of a long day I'm only thankful for wine, sleep, my bed, my pillow, and a wine glass, but it reminds me that there is always something good in my life. :)
I wish I had the magic words to cheer you up, fix your situation or make you feel less alone...but, the honest truth is, I don't. What I can say is that I love you and I understand you wanting to punch people in the face.
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you. Even when you are feeling mean and bitter.