How much hurt can a human handle

To say the last ten months have been the hardest in my life to date, is probably an understatement. I didn't say the worst months because there have been good times, even great times together. But the daily fight that must occur in my life, and in this house is exhausting and never ending. After months of feeling nothing, now all I feel is pain. My heart has never hurt this much in my life, and it's not all because of those 'stereotypical' reasons. Yeah sure it's broken but not just because of love. I've disappointed myself this month in a way that I never thought possible. I have become a person that I've always despised in others, so now all I can do is despise myself.

Unless you could possibly understand the pressure of perfection I've always felt in my life, you can not possibly understand how truly devastated I am at this moment. I gave in once at the age of 16 and have never forgiven myself for it. I vowed to never do it again. All the uphill battles I have fought for myself, all the pain and hurt I've gone thru so that I can say at the end of it all that I stood up for myself, for what I wanted, not what others wanted of me. I've never backed down from taking the road less traveled, I've never taken the easy way out. It's all been wasted now, because I cracked. Months and months of tredding water, trying to stay afloat until this ocean of depression, stress, anger, and ptsd would finally allow me to reach the firm solid beach of recovery. And yet when I needed to keep the faith the most, when I only had to hold out a few moments or weeks longer, I gave up and drowned.

And yet just like in death, some people don't realize what they have or had until it's gone or threatened. So in my defeat there is perhaps a silver lining. I know that I will never lose faith again, I know that I will spend the rest of my life making up for this imperfection I have created, but I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself. I was human, I was weak, my pride in being above such things hit me hard and brought me down. Some may view this post as a bit extreme, but for me, it's always been about perfection, all or nothing. And that's exactly what I have... All that I've worked for is now Nothing.