Listen to me Damn it!!!

In the chaos of the last two days in my life, I've felt a myriad of emotions, and a wide range of thoughts, and learned a lot. Two such things that I've learned are the reasons I'm writing this post.

First, NO ONE listens to me. Dating all the way back to middle school years. My parents have never listened to me. They sent me to doctors and put me on medicine to 'control' me and 'my problems' rather then listening to their child and realizing that she was hurting. They put me on zoloft. Being on that medicine was a nightmare, your brain forced you to put on a smile and play the part of being ok, and on the inside you were in knots, you could feel the weight of it in the pit of your stomach. Like voices in my head, screaming that things were wrong but not being able to verbally tell anyone. I did tell someone, I told my mother how they made me feel. Those feelings were ignored. I took myself off those medications when I was 16, and had the crowning moment of my life when a few years later studies on zoloft came out showing that when given to children it could increase the thoughts of suicide etc etc. Duh!!!!!!!! I SAID THAT YEARS AGO!!!!! NO ONE LISTENED!!!!! Instead I got to cope at a young age w/ thoughts of killing myself.
Fast forward to spring of 2003. Conversation with my mother about why my behavior and performance at school were so horrible. I finally admit to her that I had been drugged and raped in January of that year. Her response, I was lying, she didn't take me seriously at all. That's always a nice slap in the face.
My family is completely disfunctional, a level of competition has been fostered in the relationships between my sisters and I that I wonder if it can ever be erased. It is a huge factor that stands in the way of having a great relationship with them, and I hate it. To talk about my parents would require a lot of alcohol, numerous hours of typing, gallons of tears, and more space then a blog could handle. I have tried from the bottom of my heart to help, to mediate, to comfort, to encourage and to give my impartial input. And no one listens. So now, I'm happy living 2000+ miles away and having limited communication. It really upsets me that that is the way things are in my family. I am so jealous of so many of my friends, my family's friends who despite any disagreements or what not have a loving, supporting relationship with everyone in their family. I feel like a homeless person that is peering through the frosted window at the cozy family inside experiencing a wonderful Christmas together or something similar.

Now lets move on to the present day or shall I say the past 11 months. Everything I've said, everything I've predicted has happened. I have asked for help from everyone that was supposed to provide it to Shawn and myself. I have exhausted resources and been greatly discouraged with the way the Marine Corps handles wounded Marines and their families. I have been screaming for help, I had an emotional breakdown in front of people that for sure could have helped, and we have gotten nothing. Shawn has asked for help and been turned down, was told to stop attending counseling so that they could make room for people they could help. He's been told he should have let them amputate his leg so he could get $50k for it. He has been mentally, and emotionally defeated by people's lazy approach to his treatment and future. I knew this would happen, I told doctors, I told people in the command. AND NO ONE LISTEN's TO ME!!!!!!!!!! I have lived thru a insane HELL the last 6 months specifically... something that could have been avoided or deescalated if someone would have listened to what I was saying and taken me seriously. Instead I get comments like "I needed Shawn to tell me" GUESS WHAT PEOPLE!!! SHAWN DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE NEEDS, IF HE DID WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS PLACE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! SO MAYBE PEOPLE SHOULD START OPENING THEIR FUCKING EYES AND EARS TO THE FAMILY MEMBERS AND SIGNIFICANT OTHERS THAT ARE AROUND THESE WOUNDED MARINES AND UNDERSTAND THAT THEY BETTER THEN ANYONE WOULD KNOW IF SOMETHING WAS FUCKING WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think I make this shit up? That I just lay in bed at night thinking up outrageous stories to tell to get pity or attention? It is NEGLIGENCE on the part of every person we have come in contact with asking for help, asking for transfer to Wounded Warriors, asking for someone to speak with Shawn, cause I don't feel like ANYONE did ANYTHING they were supposed too. Maybe I'm wrong, but a place a large portion of blame on the people that are obligated to protect and help these Marines, for allowing my family to get to this point!

***This is not directed at the amazing women that I call my friends that have been there for me whenever I've needed it!!***

The second thing I've learned.... I'M HECKA SMART, know what I'm talking about and have definitely picked the right field of study to make a career in. I have been right in everything that I've said would happen in this 11 months. I knew that this is what it would come down to if things in our life weren't changed and improved. It was destined to be a self destructive path, and I forewarned people, but NO ONE LISTENED! Strange how someone who is going to become a PsyD and spend her life counseling military families and PTSD vets, might actually know something about this type of stuff and be able to give sound advice. On one hand it is a sigh of relief and a boost of encouragement that I am choosing the right career, and at the same time, if I knew all this why couldn't I stop it? Why wasn't I good enough to see the signs?

I've always given thoughtful, good advice, in my opinion. I am tired of not being heard, of not being taken seriously. People need to realize that I know what I am talking about when it comes to this stuff. Now more then ever I am determined to change things, make things happen so that this doesn't happen to someone else.

How much hurt can a human handle

To say the last ten months have been the hardest in my life to date, is probably an understatement. I didn't say the worst months because there have been good times, even great times together. But the daily fight that must occur in my life, and in this house is exhausting and never ending. After months of feeling nothing, now all I feel is pain. My heart has never hurt this much in my life, and it's not all because of those 'stereotypical' reasons. Yeah sure it's broken but not just because of love. I've disappointed myself this month in a way that I never thought possible. I have become a person that I've always despised in others, so now all I can do is despise myself.

Unless you could possibly understand the pressure of perfection I've always felt in my life, you can not possibly understand how truly devastated I am at this moment. I gave in once at the age of 16 and have never forgiven myself for it. I vowed to never do it again. All the uphill battles I have fought for myself, all the pain and hurt I've gone thru so that I can say at the end of it all that I stood up for myself, for what I wanted, not what others wanted of me. I've never backed down from taking the road less traveled, I've never taken the easy way out. It's all been wasted now, because I cracked. Months and months of tredding water, trying to stay afloat until this ocean of depression, stress, anger, and ptsd would finally allow me to reach the firm solid beach of recovery. And yet when I needed to keep the faith the most, when I only had to hold out a few moments or weeks longer, I gave up and drowned.

And yet just like in death, some people don't realize what they have or had until it's gone or threatened. So in my defeat there is perhaps a silver lining. I know that I will never lose faith again, I know that I will spend the rest of my life making up for this imperfection I have created, but I'm not sure I can ever forgive myself. I was human, I was weak, my pride in being above such things hit me hard and brought me down. Some may view this post as a bit extreme, but for me, it's always been about perfection, all or nothing. And that's exactly what I have... All that I've worked for is now Nothing.

Been Awhile

Well... guess I failed to follow thru with my plan to follow our Deployment journals from last year on here. Life happened and I got sidetracked, I also think that emotionally I wasn't ready to really relive it all. I was asked recently why I stopped blogging on here. My easy answer was that by the time my day is over and I've completed all the homework for my numerous online classes, my brain is fried and just wants to turn off. The more complex answer being that some of what I want to write people won't want to hear, and with where my life is at right now it would primarily be negative. I don't want to be that person, always negative. I lately feel as if the number of friends I had last year at this time was 10x what I have right now. I feel like because of everything we have gone thru in the last year, I'm always in a negative place or have some type of problem, and because of that, no one wants to be friends with me anymore. Right now there is only one person that I really feel comfortable calling and opening up too. I feel that I can't do that with others because they all have things going on in their lives.

Speaking of things going on in their lives.... That is another big dividing factor for me. I don't feel as if I belong anywhere. After everything I did last year, even after Shawn was injured, 3/5 has no use for me anymore since he won't be deploying w/ them next fall. LINKS has completely changed and I don't feel as if I belong there anymore. All of my 'friends' have things going on, their lives are changing and going places. Meanwhile Shawn and I get to sit here knowing nothing about our future. We are in limbo, floating around out here by ourselves while everyone else just keeps speeding on by in their busy lives. It makes me angry, sad and depressed. I just want the Marine Corps to step up and actually take care of their Wounded Marine. I can't help but think that maybe if his injuries had been worse, if he wasn't granted this miracle, we would have been taken care of better. But there's no middle ground when you're talking about 80 lbs of explosives. It was either complete malfunction and life or total detonation and death for him and many others. I hate seeing the lack of support he gets from his friends, family, the Marine Corps.
I don't know what to do anymore, I'm at the end of my thread and its fraying fast.