My life is one huge roller coaster right now, and I just want to get off of it. I write this because I need release, and writing has always been a huge release for me. So don't look at this as me being negative or self-pity...it's just me expressing my feelings, you don't have to read it.
A "friend" told me the other day (in the middle of our moving fiasco) that he had no sympathy for Shawn, for me, for anything we are going thru. He said that Shawn chose this life and knew the possibilities of being a Marine and deploying. I don't argue that, and we aren't looking for pity or "oh poor you's" but to say that you aren't sympathetic to the mental, physical and emotional roller coaster we are now on, I just feel is really cold, especially from a "friend" of almost ten years now. It all started because he was upset that I didn't answer a text message from him, and he didn't seem to think that I should be too busy these days since Shawn was injured 7 weeks ago. Oh if only it would all be good to go in seven weeks, I wish!
Many don't understand how I could say that I miss the deployment. I wish that he was still deployed. I imagine for those who have had injured servicemembers they may understand or have thought the same thing. You see now I'm just in this limbo area... I am no longer w/ "my sisters" who all have deployed Marines, I'm off in my own world dealing w/ new emotions, new situations. He is no longer with his boys, fighting the fight, watching their back, doing his job. And anyone who knows a Marine can imagine how pissed off he is about that.
I want to go back to the nights alone on the couch w/ my BRAVO TV shows, or even Jersey Shore. I want to go back to waiting for that amazing phone call from him, or his letters in the mail. I had so much stuff to still send in care packages, not to mention the ones sent but never received. Most of all... I was supposed to get the anticipation of Homecoming, making banners, halfway home parties, the countdown on my laptop...and darn it... time to actually start my deployment diet. All of it, taken away w/ out any notice
Most of all... it would mean that he was ok. That he didn't have surgery, that we knew 100% he could walk, run and still be a grunt. That he wouldn't be dealing w/ all the personal stuff he is now, we would only have to worry about plain old, regular PTSD.
So now, when I read messages from friends missing their Marines, waiting for the phone call, counting the days down til they hit that parade deck, I envy them. They are so lucky to still be going thru that deployment. No one ever thinks they will wish for a deployment.
We don't fit in anymore, we just float around out here in limbo. Shawn's technically attached back to the Battalion but is on leave until he starts rehab, and once rehab starts who knows where he'll be "assigned". But until then he's not involved w/ anyone, not around any Marines, or guys who understand him. And the same goes w/ me, as much as the men depend on each other and need their guy time w/ beer to work thru their thoughts... us women need it too. We need girl time, we need to have women in the same situation to turn too... but I'm just out here in limbo. As we've been told in several different fashions...he's injured...just not injured enough. I'm sure we are not the first, nor the last to be left in the middle, in that gray area.
Sometimes I feel as if it would be better if he didn't have a home, a family here to take care of him. We wouldn't have had the 3 flights of stairs, or the fiasco of moving. He could be down w/ his 3/5 brothers in the Wounded Warrior Bn @ Balboa, able to talk to them, be w/ them, the guys who understand where he's been, what he's seen and what he is now going thru. I can never offer him those things.
I like to be a positive person, around positive people. I find myself lately, at least in thought, being mean, petty, bitter and cynical. I often think that I wish I could punch people in the face, and I certainly would love to make Afghanistan into a parking lot. I'm sure everyone has that feeling of punching someone in the face sometimes when they are just beyond annoyed, but lately w/ me it is out of control and I hate it.
My life has been sucked out of me. And knowing that it's only going to get harder before it gets better, makes me even angrier. I have very little patience anymore for people, especially the ignorant ones. The stupidest thing someone (besides the few girls closest to me thru all of this) could ask me right now is "How are you?" or "How are you doing?" because there is no explanation, no answer for how I am doing... I will reply saying "I'm ok" or "We're doing ok" but thats because they wouldn't understand the truth, nor would they probably really want to hear it. One of these days ... someone's going to ask... and it's all gonna come out. That should be entertaining. So now I'm just angry, and this is getting me no where, so I digress... maybe my next blog will be better, be more insightful or inspirational.....
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Meltdown in Target over Valentine's Day
I can't help but to contemplate life these days. Be grateful for things typically taken for granted. How quickly things can change and take on new meaning.
In November I was in my neighborhood grocery store, Ralphs. I needed to purchase Christmas cards for Shawn's family, and found 3 that I wanted to send to him w/ his care packages. I couldn't decide which one was best so I took them all. Standing in that aisle, reading the words on those cards, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. At first the anger came out, anger that had been inside for weeks. Weeks of hearing people gripe and complain about the silliest things. Taking for granted that they had their loved ones home w/ them and would be spending the Holiday's with them. Then the pain hit. That pain that you feel when half of your heart, your best friend is missing. When your tired of being strong and brave, and you want to become that selfish person that has their Marine w/ them and can get that much needed hug from them. I walked to the front of the store, the evidence of tears still on my face.
4 weeks later, it all changed. He hasn't received those Christmas cards. He is instead living pain pill to pain pill, hating himself inside for not being with his guys. Now I feel ridiculous for crying over Christmas cards, just because I missed my Marine, when already so many families of Marines, especially 3/5 Marines would be missing their loved one for more then just one Christmas.
Today I stood in Target, buying his Valentine's Day card. I knew before I even started reading them, that I wouldn't find a card to do my feelings justice. I sat there staring at the red and pink display, tears once again streaming down my face, praising God that I had someone to buy a Valentine's Day card for. Thinking about how for no logical reason, my Marine is alive, and in knowing how it should have been, get a small little dose of the enormous pain that would have come with it.
I look at life thru different eyes now, you can't help but to be changed by large moments in your life. I find myself being disgusted by people, to be honest a large part of those people are civi's. I also find myself being embraced w/ more love and support then I've ever had in my whole life, and it's not by our families. It's by my friends, girlfriends that make up my military family. Women that understand, who face a lot of the same things that I do. Who are there to help me hold it together, because they know that god forbid it should happen to them that I would be their duct tape like they are for me. These women are beyond amazing, it's something you can't describe, you have to be a part of it to understand. If everyone in the world could be blessed to have such people in their lives, I think we'd finally find World Peace
Most say that Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, one that women like because it's a great reason to get a gift! And lets not forget about all the romance that comes w/ it! We women love the romance!
Why only one day, only one day a year do we stop to celebrate love? and even then some people make fun of it, or do it out of obligation rather then from the heart. I stood there wondering how many people would stand in this same place and pick a card, not really appreciating life, how many would end up really picking a card because it says what they feel, vs what they think the other person wants to read.
I know this isn't some mainstream public blog, I don't reach millions of people or even ten I don't think... but for those that do read this... Go sit quietly and reflect on love. Bring back that "new relationship" feeling that you might not have had in years. Be silly like teenagers again, heck make out in the back of your car, or mini van, even if it's only parked in the garage. Create your own Valentine's Day whenever you want, multiple times a year, a month or even a week. Share love, be loud, be vocal...because life is empty with out love, and life is very short, sometimes shorter then it should be. A little bit of love can make the biggest difference in someone's life.
Don't ever be stingy w/ love. It's FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!
In November I was in my neighborhood grocery store, Ralphs. I needed to purchase Christmas cards for Shawn's family, and found 3 that I wanted to send to him w/ his care packages. I couldn't decide which one was best so I took them all. Standing in that aisle, reading the words on those cards, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. At first the anger came out, anger that had been inside for weeks. Weeks of hearing people gripe and complain about the silliest things. Taking for granted that they had their loved ones home w/ them and would be spending the Holiday's with them. Then the pain hit. That pain that you feel when half of your heart, your best friend is missing. When your tired of being strong and brave, and you want to become that selfish person that has their Marine w/ them and can get that much needed hug from them. I walked to the front of the store, the evidence of tears still on my face.
4 weeks later, it all changed. He hasn't received those Christmas cards. He is instead living pain pill to pain pill, hating himself inside for not being with his guys. Now I feel ridiculous for crying over Christmas cards, just because I missed my Marine, when already so many families of Marines, especially 3/5 Marines would be missing their loved one for more then just one Christmas.
Today I stood in Target, buying his Valentine's Day card. I knew before I even started reading them, that I wouldn't find a card to do my feelings justice. I sat there staring at the red and pink display, tears once again streaming down my face, praising God that I had someone to buy a Valentine's Day card for. Thinking about how for no logical reason, my Marine is alive, and in knowing how it should have been, get a small little dose of the enormous pain that would have come with it.
I look at life thru different eyes now, you can't help but to be changed by large moments in your life. I find myself being disgusted by people, to be honest a large part of those people are civi's. I also find myself being embraced w/ more love and support then I've ever had in my whole life, and it's not by our families. It's by my friends, girlfriends that make up my military family. Women that understand, who face a lot of the same things that I do. Who are there to help me hold it together, because they know that god forbid it should happen to them that I would be their duct tape like they are for me. These women are beyond amazing, it's something you can't describe, you have to be a part of it to understand. If everyone in the world could be blessed to have such people in their lives, I think we'd finally find World Peace
Most say that Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, one that women like because it's a great reason to get a gift! And lets not forget about all the romance that comes w/ it! We women love the romance!
Why only one day, only one day a year do we stop to celebrate love? and even then some people make fun of it, or do it out of obligation rather then from the heart. I stood there wondering how many people would stand in this same place and pick a card, not really appreciating life, how many would end up really picking a card because it says what they feel, vs what they think the other person wants to read.
I know this isn't some mainstream public blog, I don't reach millions of people or even ten I don't think... but for those that do read this... Go sit quietly and reflect on love. Bring back that "new relationship" feeling that you might not have had in years. Be silly like teenagers again, heck make out in the back of your car, or mini van, even if it's only parked in the garage. Create your own Valentine's Day whenever you want, multiple times a year, a month or even a week. Share love, be loud, be vocal...because life is empty with out love, and life is very short, sometimes shorter then it should be. A little bit of love can make the biggest difference in someone's life.
Don't ever be stingy w/ love. It's FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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