My Heart, My Saving Grace

To say the last few years have been a long crazy rollercoaster ride would be an understatement. The steep final drop coming this past fall when I lost a job, that despite the long hours and continuous problems, I loved and the end of a life changing relationship. Through all of this there has been one consistent bright light in my life, my daughter, Madelynn.

The life, the society that I grew up in trained us from an early age to strive for the white picket fence dream.  The majority of those around me had goals, ambitions. They knew leaving highschool what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. College, finding love and starting a family.  It didn't work that way for me as much as I dreamed every day that it would. I had/have goals and ambitions, I wanted so badly to find my passion for a career right out of highschool but it wasn't to be. I tried to make the best decisions for my life at the time and because they weren't what was expected they weren't supported. I saw moving to California as an escape from the brick walls I felt being built around me.  California didn't work out the way I thought it would, although at the same time I don't know how exactly I expected it to pan out. I know in my mind and my heart that what I have overcome in my life has been monumental, that a lot of people wouldn't have fought their way through and come out where I am now. However because of my drive for perfection, I don't feel as if I have achieved very much. I never intended on staying in California for the rest of my life, but I always thought that when it came time to leave it would be on my own terms.  Now I feel that I am being forced to return, and that to me comes across as failure. I know though that as a mom I have a duty to put Madelynn first and do what is best for her, and moving home is what is best for her even if its something I can't completely swallow.

I doubt many single 24 year olds plan on getting pregnant, but things happen. I went against her "father's" wishes of getting an abortion and from that moment took on the role of a single parent. I suffered the looks, the judgement of many for getting pregnant outside of marriage but I firmly believe that God sent her to me for a reason.  I have always struggled w/ depression and with that sucidal thoughts.  I can say w/ confidence that there have been several moments in the last five years that Madelynn has been the only thing that has kept me going.  My childhood has left me craving love, and affection, because of which I have put way too much importance on men, and even just friendships.

Madelynn for me is now that love and affection. She is a smart and vibrant little girl.  Most importantly, she is Happy, Affectionate and Loving.  Her smiling face every morning guarantees me a great start to any day. There is nothing I love more then her excitement when I pick her up from school.  On lazy days at home reading or coloring, nothing warms my heart more then her randomly telling me she loves me. I have always been motivated, hardworking and ambitious, but nothing has ever inspired me more to be the best I can be then Madelynn does. I want to make sure that the love, affection, trust and admiration she has for me now as a little girl never faulters or fades as she grows up into a woman herself.